A few months ago, I made the prayerful decision to step out of the work force in order to take care of some personal matters, tend to family business, and focus on my relationship with God. At the time, I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, or perhaps the restlessness that sometimes occurs when God calls us to another area of service. The benefits far outweighed the apprehension of forfeiting a paycheck. I have enjoyed the freedom and flexibility of having time to travel and spend time with out-of-state family; doing domestic duties and running errands during the week instead of on the weekends; and most especially, spending more time with God each morning, reading and writing scripture and praying about all that is going in the lives of family, friends, our community, nation, and world. That in itself is a full time job, and at times a stressful one!
Still, I have often wondered, Is there something else I am supposed to be doing with my life? Before I officially pronounce myself "retired," is there some place where I am meant to use the skills and abilities God has honed in me these past forty years to love and serve others for his glory? Quite honestly, the thought of returning to work is daunting and makes me anxious. However, I feel a little guilty about not wanting to give up the benefits of "early retirement" which I have so enjoyed these past few months. As Christ-followers, we are commanded to "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV). Easier said than done, right?
Lately I have found myself in the familiar and uncomfortable "limbo land" of not knowing what God has in store for me. His word tells me, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). But where, Lord?
God is clearly up to something. I don't pretend to know what that something is, but I am beginning to feel that familiar holy tug on my heart that signals a change is coming. I'm not sure I want it to. I am fighting to hold onto the comforts of home, the flexibility and freedom of the past few months, and the long quiet times I have enjoyed with him daily.
After pouring out my heart to God about my concerns, fears, hopes, and dreams, he answered me through my devotional reading from Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts:
Behold, My hand is upon you to bless you and to accomplish all My good purpose. For this hour I have prepared your heart and in My kindness I will not let you fail.
Only relinquish all things into My hands; for I can work freely only as you release Me by complete committal...As was written of old: "Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass" (Psalm 37:5). I will be your sustaining strength; and My peace shall garrison your mind. Only TRUST ME -- all I do is done in love.
My arms are around you, and never have I loved you more! I will make you like a garden of fountains whose streams are fed by the mountain springs.
Bring me all that puzzles you. Many questions need no answer, for when the heart is at one with the Father, there comes an illumination of Spirit that transcends thought. Understanding becomes a state of heart rather than an achievement of the mind.
Lord, not my will but thine be done. Lead me from my limbo land into your promised land.
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